Stare into the eye of the beholder

2011-10-14T17:38:00.002+08:00

Well, Mum isn't home yet and going to leave work in another 20 mins. Well I guess I was slowly forgetting you and treating you as a friend. Like rarely msging you now. Came to island to collect my pass and ended going drinking with you and the rest. Said a couple of fucked up things when I was drunk that I regret. Anyways found out that you had feelings for another guy. Didnt affect me as much as I thought. But since then its like you're kinda give me the cold shoulder. O well I guess it might be awkward to talk like a normal friend. And I just don't like that awkwardness. Maybe I'll try to break it

Today Kimmy kept asking me about you and I said we are friends...well sort of. But then she keep pushing and asking if I had any feelings for you. The answer would have been a no but she kept asking all other questions and now i'm going back to being confused.....

Hate this feeling honestly. Well if I go drinking tonight maybe I'll just keep a distance from you. Nothing against you but I'm just trying to fix myself.

Planning to got batam at the end of the year with nazmi , calvin, shakir and gerard. Really need this trip. Need to get away from all this family problems and girl problems. Miss the waves and surfing. O well Mum's still not home. Been more than a week and really miss her. But guess this is somethings I can't share too :):) Haha thank god people think my blog has changed.... O well I promised I will cut down on my drinking and I swear as soon as I can feel high I'll stop. God thanks for bringing me back to you. For now I can ask for no more than your acceptance. This time I promise I will stay. I'm never running away again. I'll be here for the good times and the bad

2011-10-12T23:46:00.002+08:00

Never been in a long time and my mum is living with my grandma again. Banned from going there. Mum I hope you can come home fast. I really miss you. You're the only reason I keep going back to the so called home I have. I just really miss you and hope you come back soon. I just wish God will give sympathy on me and my mum and allow me to see her. She has been my best friend for so long and I could tell her anything. And now shes staying so far away and I cant even see her. Mum please don't hate me too. You're the closest I have to a family. I promise to stop going out so late and making you worried. I just want you back in my life.....Please mum don't hate me and please get me away from these people as soon as possible. Really hate talking about the sad things in my life. Most of my friends cant stand all this so I try to keep myself happy. God you're the only one giving me strength to control and tolerate all this and I thank you. Just allow me to see my mum soon. I really miss her

2011-10-11T01:33:00.003+08:00

Its 1:33 am. Time for me to go sleep. Have made shit choices and stupid decisions for the past few weeks. Gotta stop hurting myself and blaming myself and God for these things. I'm sorry God I really am. Help me become stronger. I hope the people I have hurt today due to too much alcohol will forgive me. Might have scared some people too. For that i'm just truly sorry. Not easy going through all the shit at once.....

Making my journey once more. There will be pains and sufferings. But the Joy I will receive will be much more. Lord i Surrender to you once again. I was lost and now I want to come back. Give me those oppurtunites. I want you back in my life. I'm gona make a change. Time for me to take up my cross once more and stop complaining that its too heavy. It's to prepare me for what is about to come.

2011-10-10T17:47:00.002+08:00

Well Its 10 more mins to the end of work. My mum finally replied and I dont think shes coming home tonight. I think I'll just go home change and get out of that godforasken house. Just sit around the places I grew up with. Take my guitar along and my cigarettes. Go to these places and just play. Rock out like how I used to. Just trying to get inspirations of infusing songs or playing alternate versions of songs. Thats what I've missed and What I havent done in a long time. Just cigarettes and guitars.

I don't know where's life heading for me now. Feel so empty. Like how kimmy felt a few days ago I myself now feel soul less. Guess I lost it somewhere yesterday or left it there. Music heals all. If God does have a plan for me then well I'll just follow. Whether he leads me on a straight road to hell or a road to repentence, hell knows. At first I always thought I had the fear of being alone. But now being alone doesnt sound that bad. I dont need a girlfriend , I dont need flings, I dont need people hurting me again. I don't need friends who stab me in the heart like all you motherfuckers...... I want to walk this road alone. Its my cross to carry and I dont need help. I've been raised to be independent , to be on my own. I can do this on my own. Going to be a hurtful path but I'm dragging anyone with me this time. Some battles you have to fight alone. When you suffer there's when you find solutions how to escape all that pain

God If you still want to listen to me and my prayers. I just ask for my family's well being. I dont give two fucks about myself anymore. But if you could, find my soul for me. If you need help its the ones thats shattered into a million pieces. Just bringing back one piece would do

2011-10-10T01:22:00.003+08:00

Ya alright, most of my friends have said blogging is very girly and gay and me having a blog is just being a fag. Well these are those friends whom I cannot share what i'm really going through with. Don't have much friends like that because we always party and i'm always being the joker and making everyone happy. This is the only place I can let go all the frustrations and pain I'm feeling. So to those who think this is being gay well FUCK YOU! you don't know what I'm going through and you're not a fucking friend to help when you're friend is in need. For all those time you fuckers needed help I was there straight away and helped all I can and you can't even help me when i'm at my lowest!!!!! Fuck yourselves whoever call me their friends!!

I just need to let go everything and for those who are reading this and might get affected by this well I don't give fuck anymore or care anymore! I'm a souless god for nothing bastard !

Well me and diana broke up cause she wasn't the one for me anymore. We kept fighting over stupid stuff and we just couldnt work out. She hated my friends and didnt even want to get to know them! She got so pissed off over small things and I don't know if that would help me in the future! Diana if you're reading this! YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE WAY FUCKING BETTER THAN ME!!! I'm being serious and not trying to get fucking attention! You really can do better! the only reason your clinging on its cause you havent found the right person yet and we have been together for more than 2 yrs. Get over me ok cause I dont want that relationship anymore. I dont want the fights and arguements. When we get back you promise to compromise but it just goes bck to square 1. When kimmy helped us to get back with that long email you got so touched. And when we got back you hated her once more. Just let it go diana I had enough already! I'm telling you its really over! Find someone better you're too good for me!

After we broke up I met someone. Ya I know you're reading this and I dont care if you arent gona talk to me or gona hate me. Yes I liked Francesca.... Cause she was independent and could take care of small problems that came her way. I liked her but didnt say until nazmi and richard let the beans out. And ya we kinda dated but she was confused cause she also liked gerard! To be honest when diana left all those feelings went to her. It wasnt rebound its just she really got to me but she liked gerard too and was confused about her feelings. But I was ok with it. I was willing to give her time to think about everything. Honestly Fran, you played me. And i really mean it from the heart. You played me big time. I believed everything you said and I was so hooked onto you. I was ok that you mixed round alot with guys. All the things you told me I was ok. Gerard told me the shit the 2 of you did! YES HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING FROM THE CABS HOME WITH HIM AND HE STAYING OVER! I was so hurt you, honestly! If you didnt want it in the first place should have saved me the trouble and pain. When you said you were over gerard I thought that meant that you and me could have something. I WAS WILLING TO WAIT 6 MTHS! But then after you were over him, nth changed. Then after what everyone told me, I really thought that you and me had no future. I really really liked u!! you really don't understand how much I freaking liked u!! But its over and you wanted to stay friends! FYI! I DIDN'T MSG YOU WHEN YOU GOT MY TEXT ASKING IF I COULD COME ATTICA WITH U! GERARD TOOK MY PHONE TO MSG U THAT! I HATE CLUBS AND WHY WOULD I ASK IF I CAN COME IF I HATED THEM SO MUCH! You said you treasured our friendship and I guess it was put to the test when I really needed someone to talk to and you just wanted to sleep........ Its your life dude , you dont owe me anything and I guess you might I thought I putting my moves on you.... Trust me I wasnt. After you said let us just end it I was over it and just let things go its course.

After all this suffering for the past 3 weeks yesterday I had to meet my ex before Diana. I saw sharmini at east coast! A girl the played me out so badly after being together with her for so long! Just cause the girl before her was her friend she lied to everyone saying we werent together at all! We havent talked or seen each other in 4 years and yest she saw me she called out to me and ran to give me a hug!! wtf!!! Honestly I'm getting mind fucked every fucking day!! Its been haunting me since yesterday! Sharmini, we were so happy together, I gave up all my playboyness to be with you and you just threw me away like yesterdays trash! And after all that you can stilll hug me tightly ! You hurt me so much dude!!!! honestly!!!

After so long away from God I wanted to come back to you GOD! I went for novena service every week and even went mass today! After so many years! I didnt even think of praying for myself! I prayed for my family! My friend told me that I didnt lose anything cause I still had my family! So I went to pray for them! Pray for them to be strong! And for the $400,000 they invested and got cheated off to be back to them. I just prayed for them to stay together eventhough all this shit is happening.

Me & my brother have been in cold war since hell knows and today when waiting for the bus to go church he saw me at the bus stop and sat on the opposite side. Took the same bus as me and never talked. I loved my brother so much that I even went for fights for him cause ppl were bitching about him. He changed and treated me as a jail bird! Everyone does!

The thing that just hit my breaking point was today! My mum attempted suicide and I had to go bail her out for $3000!!! She couldnt handle the stress cause my dad thought she was cheating him off and was having an affair! after bailing her out I went home and caught my dad with his mistress!!! MY dad cheated on my mum!!!!!!!!!!! AND MY BROTHER DIDNT EVEN CARE!!!! This is the kinda of fucked up family I have. My mum left the house and threw her wedding ring away. She's at my grandma's house and Both my brother and dad are blaming me for everything that has happened!! My dad tried to disown me before! And both my brother and my dad just said that ever since I was born I cause problems to the family and I shouldnt be alive!!

GOD!!! WHAT IS THIS!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME! WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING ME LIKE THIS!! WAS COMING BACK TO YOU WRONG! I WAS LOST GOD AND I WANTED TO COME BACK TO YOU! YOU JUST DONT WANT ME BACK ANYMORE! THE ONLY THING I HAD WORTH LIVING FOR WS MY FAMILY AND YOU ALLOWED TO BREAK UP TOO!!! WHY GOD WHY!! WHY AM I HAVING ALL THIS!! I THOUGHT YOU WOULD PROTECT ME! I THOUGHT YOU WILL LOVE ME FOREVER! IF I WAS LOST YOU SAID I COULD COME BACK TO YOU AND YOU WILL ACCEPT ME WITH OPEN ARMS! WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH! WHY WHY WHY WHY FUCKING WHY!!!!!! TELL ME!!!!!! WHY DID YOU TEAR MY FAMILY UP LIKE THIS! WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME IN SO MUCH SHIT! I ONCE PUT YOU BEFORE CAUSE YOU WERE ALWAYS FORGIVING! WHY CANT YOU FORGIVE ME NOW AND ACCEPT ME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just had 12 cans of beer and finished 2 packs of cigarettes! I'm losing myself once again. I'm not cheery anymore! I once made people so happy! I don't know if I can joke around and be the cheery guy anymore....even today lynette kept asking why I've changed so much over the past few weeks. Its llike as if I'm not me.....People used to have me around cause I will always lighten the mood and break awkwardness.......

I used to be so optimistic in life and always see the brighter side. And now i'm just so insecure! Just like in the old days but worse. Why am I having all this insecurity. CAN SOMEONE JUST FUCKING ANSWER ME ALREADY! WHY IS THIS SHIT HAPPENING TO ME!!!

I just want to run away from all this! Just don't know what o live for anymore.......I want to be happy again! I want peace in my mind! I WANT TO BE KELVIN VALENTINO VICTOR AGAIN!!!!!!!

Save me pls just fucking save me from all this........................

God please don't throw me away, please

2011-10-03T14:57:00.002+08:00

Alright, can't believe im doing this after so long. Well here it goes. Things that happened in the past 2 years.

-Me and diana got together
-Went to ngee ann poly
-Joined triatholon
-Was keeping a high GPA
-Joined segway
- Met new friends
-Picked up smoking
-Picked up drinking excessively
- Made new enemies
- Increase in anger trigger points
- Me and diana ended our relationship
- Feel more alone then I've ever felt
- Did badly in school
- Currently.....Just confused

Guess its been a roller coaster ride and i was in the front seat.
In the past all my st pats bros where there now i only have Gerard and sometimes Husain left.
All those fuckers left just like that.
I used to play the guitar everyday and think of new lyrics for new songs
Now I barely touch my guitar anymore
I used to play soccer almost everyday
Now i rarely even touch the ball anymore
2 years ago I had everything figured out in life
Now reality has struck and I just don't know what to do anymore

Well i'm now in the office writing this and I just wished that someone can tell me, what am I to do. When I used to have God all in my life, it just seem to flow. It just seemed that everything is taken cared off. But now I dont know what to listen to or who to trust anymore. I gave into the temptations of society. Instead fighting against the dogs I became the dog. I just wished that God really did have a plan for me cause for now I dont have a plan for myself. Everything is just so confusing. I used to know what I want to do in life now I just don't know whats the next plan. I used to be the optimist but look at me now.

Honestly are people trying to mind fuck me on purpose? Is this for all the wrong I did in this fucking excuse for a life I had. If it is then thanks, I've been broken beyond repair and I just don't want anyone beside me anymore. I rather walk this world alone cause thats what the universe wants me to do.

HEY I CANT LIVE IN HERE ANOTHER DAY
DARKNESS HAS KEPT THE LIGHT CONCEALED
GRIM AS EVER
HOLD ONTO FAITH AS I DIG ANOTHER GRAVE
MEANWHILE THE MICE ENDURE THE WHEEL
REAL AS EVER
AND I'M CHAINED LIKE A SLAVE
TRAPPED IN THE DARK
SLAMS ALL THE LOCKS
DEATH CALLS MY NAME
AND IT SEEMS I'VE BEEN BURIED ALIVE

2011-10-02T19:16:00.002+08:00

Hello my dear old friend, I've missed you for two fucking years. I just read up all my posts I used to write. I guess I didn't change.

I'M STILL THE FUCKING MISERABLE KID I WAS THEN AND STILL AM!!!

NOTHING HAS FUCKING CHANGED! THINGS JUST GOT FUCKING WORSE!

Picked up smoking again and been smoking nearly a pack a day. Have been drinking for 2 weeks straight. So much for kicking those fucking habits.........

I don't know what to do now. I'm more lost than I ever was and this is the time period where I should get more stable and know what I want to do in life.....

Cause too many people too much problems....

All those worries and all the lies!!!!

What the fuck is wrong with me!!!

I dont know what happen to the " Leave it in the hands of god" side of me

2009-07-16T10:52:00.002+08:00

Vally has lost control of all his emottions...
Vally has to stop his past from haunting him anymore
Vally has to stable his emotional health before suicidal memories return
Vally has to make sure that his past nvr comes back to his memories
Vally has lost control of himself
Vally feels that lonely feelings coming upon him again
Vally i going through de ja vu and his past is repeating
Vally has done bad things in his past
Vally is no more that bad guy he used to be
Vally is going through depression and is showing it out
Vally has to make sure he does not leak any of his sadness or burdens out
Vally just wants to be alone for awhile
Vally is not bad
Vally has to one to seek or find for help
Vally has only GOD with him
Simply put....vally is going emo again...and he just hates it!!! I DONT WANT MY PAST BACK!!!I FREAKING THREW IT AWAY!!! STOP COMING BACK!!!! I WANT TO BE HAPPY NOW!!! ITS NO MORE LIKE HOW IT USED TO BE!! I need to control all this emotions and stop my emotions from controlling me...its just so hard when sadness is feeling u and all those nasty sad memories come back...I just cant help it when ppl talk bout my past or everyday things remind me of it.....it just brings me back to the old me where i love to hide behind that mask...hide behind the shell...GOD PLEASE LOOK OVER ME....I just couldnt sleep yest night cause all those thoughts and miseries haunt me!! I just want them to go away for good....

VALLY JUST NEEDS HIS TIME ALONE!!!!!
DO NOT DISTURB TILL WHENEVER!

2009-07-10T00:05:00.002+08:00

Just finished talking to baby and i just feel really bad for venting out my anger on her....i just need to find a substitute to let go all over this rage and pain....im just getting angry just talking bout him....that asshole has just been makin my life more stressful.Not only in my relationship but in church. He thinks hes just too good for everyone...well reality check...no1 likes u or cares bout u...and stop acting your a big shot cause your freaking not!!! YOUR JUST A FUCKING BALLESS DUMBFUCK WHO WANTS TO ONLY ACT TOUGH AT HOME BUT IN FRONT OF ME YOUR BALLS SHRINK UP TILL THEY ARE AS TINY AS ANTS!!!IF YOU HAD THE FUCKING BALLS YOU WOULD CONFRONT ME ON ISSUES YOU HAVE WITH ME AND NOT GOSSIP OR TALK AROUND LIKE A FREAKING SISSY!!! IM just super pissed...i just gettin back my anger....the same one i used to have when i was in my gang...i just cant stand it that this guy thinks he so big and bad when i have beaten up and fought guys way tougher and bgger than him....and he just has a big fat ego thinkin hes too good for everyone and its not helping himself or the church he serves in at all!!! Its just freaking irritating...i swear if he crosses my path again im freaking goan kill him cause im not scared of death!!!!!He just wana act tough when im not around but when im there he just so scared he acts nice and talks to me nicely....GOD i know you are overseeing all this...i just dont know what your plan is but its hard to believe that this is all part of your plan and doing....i just pray for calmness....let me not lose my anger anymore...i just wana say sorry to my baby diana:(:(:(...im sosos sorry for shouting at u and venting all this anger on u...i just pray for gods protection for us and ask that he keeps us safe and the ppl around us safe from harm...Going for healing rally this sat...i can really use all the healing i can get cause seriously....im really troubled and really need all the healing i can get..lord god don't give up on me and i just want to thank you for guiding me all this years and helping me...just safe your ppl from what is going to be a big destruction...

2009-06-16T08:21:00.002+08:00

Just got back from camp....and slept for bout 15 hours...not enough rest i guess...well camp was fun at the last day alot of sec 3's really opened up to god and was really suprised to know that. WWJD was really fun eventhough there were a few mishaps were they started calling rachel a witch and all the boys wacked up steven....had to do some scolding after that but i guess they really understood how bad things can get when they are put to be really low in their life...guess i too understand cause i really couldnt believe i lost my temper to them....anw the next day prayover is when things went abit wary....things were not going all right and i was scared that it was cause i didnt fast and pray enough....the kids were not prepared at all....and guess it was really scary being the most spiritual part of the camp. But thankfully we came in together at the last moment to really pray and unite together and keept satan away from the place. BUt as you know...The more we bind and cast satan out...the more he comes back to return. While we were praying over the presence of satan was there. all of use had to cast him out. Alot of them really opened up after that. After prayover some of the oldies met with us and we discussed about it...they talked about it and gab confirmed that devil was there in our mist. Satan is a sore loser who lost the war and just cant admit it. We all talked it out and things got abit cleared and better. After that jock was talking to me about st michael the archangel and i suddenly just remembered about my aunt told me before that st michael was my guardian angel and that i had to pray to him for him to guide me. Before we left we prayed and we also said the prayer to st michael the archangel.

Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness
and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him,
we humbly pray;
and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell,
satan and all the evil spirits,
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.

Guess alot of us have forgotten about prayer...and i have forgotten how devil can easily attack to those who are closer to god. Our fear of devil is the thing that makes him stronger day by day. I should always remeber to pray to st michael the archangel to protect me and the people around me from the evil and influence of satan and save god's people from the devil. As i prepare for the sec1&2 camp i will keep this prayer in mind and pray for the guidance of god and the holy spirit to proclaim the word of god and to show that i do belive in my lord god.

2009-06-07T23:27:00.002+08:00

Hey hey....haven't blogged in awhile....just been super lazy to do it since poly start and having all the church camps to orgainze. Lets not forget that my common test is this weekend!!!! STRESS ALERT!!!!BOOM!! haha...well just came back from facil training camp ...was really fun..especially minefield which was like the super most irritatin but fun game. Well was just praying and doing a small p&w as usual...and i just started to play a song that i never heard and played for since like 2 years ago. The songs name is WHEN GOD RAN. Just thought of the song after sharing bout my life to the others andmy experience with god. I remember this song cause i remembered that after hearing this song is when i really cried...its when i really begged god to forgive me cause i have been away from his arms for so long and when i wanted him back in my life he would come back running to grab me in his arms , wipe my tears and say that he loves me. My whole spiritual life started from there and looking back at my past i just realised how much i have changed and matured as a normal guy and also spiritually. This song is just my fav P&W song ever...and when i was playing it i just started to cry when i was singing the chorus.....those words are so powerful that everytime i sing it....tears will just start to fall from my eyes....and i just want to post it so everyone can see it

Almighty God, the great I am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful, awesome Lord
Victorious warrior, commanding King of Kings Mighty conqueror,
and the only time the only time I ever saw Him run

Was when He ran to me,
He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest,
said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,
“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran

The day I left home I knew I’d broken His heart
And I wondered then if things could ever be the same
Then one night I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road ahead I could see
It was the only time – it was the only time I ever saw Him run

And then He ran to me,
He took me in His arms Held my head to His chest,
said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face,
wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise as
He brought me to my knees When God ran – I saw Him run to me

I just want to thank god for all the gifts and people he has given. I just pray for him to guide me throughout my life and for the upcoming camps.
Also the one person that has also made me happy besides god and my family would be my dearest baby diana. I just love you to bits girl!!! Thank you for always being with me there at my happy times and my worse of times. God has really sent u to put smiles on my face and have been smiling since the day u came into my life even before we were attatched. My girlfriend diana erika lee is one of the most impt ppl i cherish in my entire life and there will never pass a day that i will stop thanking god for sending her into my life. I just pray for his guidance in our relationship and that he will be with us in spirit so that we can serve his people.Diana if you are reading this....the moments we always spent together were priceless and i will never have anyone better to always be my side. You are the light to my darkness and the cure to my sickness. Forevermore i will just want to love u with all heart till death do us part. No matter how deep the ocean was and hard the wind blew....i will cross all of that to be with you to say I LOVE YOU.

2009-05-07T20:04:00.004+08:00

As i felt you falling into my arms...
Knowing that you will be mine forever....

Alas i duno if u did fall for me or just fell
after getting hurt by another...

Now i wonder if maybe i made the wrong choice....
Maybe you still have feelings for the old one but just find it hard to admit..

DESTINED FOR SADNESS

well...maybe im fated to always be filled with sadness my whole life...faking to ppl that im happy and advising ppl when icant even help myself....Maybe u still love him...but you just dont wana admit cause your too nice and you dont wana hurt my feelings...thats why u are ashamed to show me to him.....scared that he may see me with you....i just got such a stab in the heart when i heard those words....after all the sacrifices i did for you...all the things i done for you...all the lies i said. Also making my own flesh and blood go against me.....all these things i did and still...i deserve this?.....i just was so mood out and still am...your just ashamed of me and you just dont want him to know that you so called moved on....maybe you didnt...maybe ur just lying to yourself....i just dont wana think of any of this now....its just making me so distraught and almost got run down by a car when i was thinking bout this.....i just need my time and space...just trying to forget all my pain.....i threw my past away and stopped myself about ever talking bout my ex's....guess you and me are diff...well maybe im just cheated....i just don't know....im just a stranger in my house as usual....a criminal in my own house...all this for you....and i am just taking all this for you...
Maybe all this pain and problems im controlling is just a waste???

2009-05-01T14:33:00.003+08:00

Well...haven't posted in awhile....week2 of poly is over....its gettin more fun as the days pass but also getting stressful...got the call yest and suppose to report on mon but if i go on mon..i gotta miss lessons and lectures and my gpa is going to drop....just praying that can reschedule on thurs...if i can....one big burden is gone and i will be super happy....one of the problems and burdens gone in my life.....just keepin all inside of me....keeping it away from my family the first ppl im suppose to seek if i have problems...my mom and dad are just hating me from day1 since everythin started....my dad and me are real enemies and cant even get along....just dono how im gona go through all this....did my TEC tes today and got a 10/10....can't believe i proved to everyon in my family that im not a idiot....since secondary school my parents thinking that i wont come up in life and im a idiot....well just proved them wrong and well gave me hope that i can beat all the odds and live my dream....just kepping all of this emotions in me not even letting out to anyone in school....just wondering how long more can i keep this charade going....

Only you are the one person keeping me happy....you coming into my life has been the greatest thing ever....i just dont ever wana lose you....whenever i come home your voice is just the music that calms me down...thank you....now i must work hard to get my dreams and goals....nvr will i fall that low again...i will always stand tall...just wish i can control all my emotions and stop being this emo!!!! now happy go lucky boy:D..hopefully

Lost cause.....

2009-04-23T22:11:00.002+08:00

Damn!...having those mood swings again...really scary...if only life was as smooth as i dreamnt it would be...sigh....well....what to do thats life....writing another song and i just trying to make it as un-emo aqs possible...if theres such a word.....after tmr, its like a week of poly over and only 3 years to go....sians...i just hope everything is normal tmr....really feel awkward goin school now.....

2009-04-08T21:27:00.002+08:00

A stranger in his own house....
thats how i feel right now....
The disappointment, the agony, the betrayal and the hatred just filling up the space...
Maybe its time for me to go...and the hypocrtical nonsense all the lies all the betrayals...cant take any of these anymore....

As the noise began to evaporate and silence builds up...i find no need for any words to be spoken as they have decided my fate and my character...no point acting strong cause strong is going to get me nowhere....pretending like everythin is gona be alright and everything can be fixed...this aint like an object which can be fixed by merely a few tools...but a scar that never heals...so enough of acting enough of bein nice....times change and people change...time has changed....maybe its time for me to change too...i still feel like a prisoner no matter what people say...and the funny thing is am being a prisoner in my own home.....

2009-03-29T17:26:00.002+08:00

Hey babe...this is for you.....
After like don't know how long met and talked to you today!!!Its been killer since last friday...a week without talking to you...i just miss everything bout you...your hugs, your voice, the way you always so insecure, when you complain to me and when you excited to tell me things....every bit just missed it....things just been a big mess and i just pray to god for guidance and invite back in my life....have been neglecting him for awhile and neglecting him in our relationship....lord god please be with us and guide us through this relationship....and now i have to go another week like the last...sianz.....well nvm ..aku strong:D...o ya...webcaming is starting to be more fun:D:D:D:D...haha baby rmb...AH CHOO!!!!!

2009-03-16T00:11:00.003+08:00

OMG!!!YOUR FINALLY BACK!!!:D:D:D:D:D:D...but sadly....could only talk to you and see you for awhile....and like the whole week cant see you again....just seein that msg u sent me....i was like really really happy!!...haha anw baby i just been listening to this song the whole weekend and it just really express how much i really feel about you....if you are reading this....this song is dedicated to you....i hope you understand the meaning behind it and just wish you know how much i really really love you!!!

Warmness on the soul

Your hazel green tint eyes watching every move I make.
And that feeling of doubt, it's erased.
I'll never feel alone again with you by my side.
You're the one, and in you I confide.

And we have gone through good and bad times.
But your unconditional love was always on my mind.
You've been there from the start for me.
And your loves always been true as can be.

I give my heart to you.
I give my heart,
cause nothing can compare in this world to you.

And we have gone through good and bad times.
But your unconditional love was always on my mind.
You've been there from the start for me.
And your loves always been true as can be.

I give my heart to you.
I give my heart,
cause nothing can compare in this world to you.

I give my heart to you.
I give my heart,
cause nothing can compare in this world to you.

Like how the song says...I give you everything cause nothing can really compare in this world to you!!!

Don't want to die alone without you here

2009-03-03T00:00:00.002+08:00

HAPPY 2ND MONTH!!!!Wah 2 months and yet we are still as happy as ever...:D:D:D:D..im so sorry i cant meet you later...anw just cant wait to meet u next:D

2009-02-26T20:39:00.002+08:00

Wah...never posted in awhile....maybe having another gig on 23rd march...but not too keen into going already...tmr can meet:D:D:D:D...and i just don't know why with these people i just get angry so easily...i mean with my bandmates and school friends im always the calm slack guy....like they would even try to get me mad....but today just got so ticked off just like that...whats happening to me:(.....and do i really have a hate club? or is it like 3 ppl dont like me and im just thinkin too much about it....haiya....lifes just bad man....i didn't want to make enemies....they made me their enemy when i didnt do anything....after all this i just realised....you really deserve much better than me...i feel like im causin u sadness day by day...im sorry:(....and after how you said it today...i guess you really werent into me like before...i will really understand if u wan2 leave...u deserve better...

2009-02-10T20:46:00.002+08:00

Your words mean nutz to me now....you call me dramatic...well guess what i think your pathetic....all obsessed and shit....i think you really need to reflect on yourself before you say things....think about your words.....all this time you havin those negative thoughts about me....and i still came and apologise to you?? Now i feel like a total idiot....what i did was wrong...i admit...i thought of you as a real friend but guess i was wrong....you know what...just let it be...carry on what you are doing...cause of sick of all this hypocrasy...just waitin till march is over...then can leave that place full of all the hypocrites....days are counting down...

2009-02-08T22:01:00.002+08:00

YOU ARE A A-CLASS BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!There i said it.....all this time been keepin my mouth shut for a very long time!! Now you went too far....talking bad bout me and my gf....well guess what... I LOVE HER!! so you can take your fucking comments and stuff it up ur big egoistic,proud,bitchy,contradictin,idiotic, and irritatin ass for all i care!!! you jealous just admit it aite....no need to tell others another story and me another one had enough of your crap....You dare bitch bout my gf again....i will make sure that those are the last words that come out of your freaking mouth...have been the nice valentino for a long time....don't let me show my ugly side....cause i also know alot bout your ugly side!! On second thought...TRY ME!!! im beggin you!!! just wana get all this rage out....i warning you....dont play a double sided thing.....pick one side and stick with it...i got nth to loose.....but you have alot....make sure i am not the one who makes you loose all that fame and so called friends you have....

2009-02-03T00:00:00.002+08:00

HAPPY ANNI BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Its been a month and im just so happy!!!!!!!thanks for all the wonderful memories baby!! i love u loadz!!!!and thanks for stayin up this late!!!!!my one and only!!!

I need you
More than the candle needs the flame

2009-01-31T22:24:00.005+08:00

AVENGED ROCKS!!!!Haha one of the all time claasics that a7x played...walk by pantera but they did the cover of it....this vid some noob sang....i bet i could have done way better than him...haha RESPECT WALK!

2009-01-30T00:07:00.002+08:00

Its like midnight....and im feeling like the most miserable now...I am sorry.....guess i have been a really bad bf....thats y u had to do that....i failed terribly and am sorry...i wanted to keep you always happy....guess i failed in that.I couldn't keep you happy. Im the worse...you say sorry no use cause im the on who should be sorry....i failed...

2009-01-26T21:45:00.002+08:00

When east coast today..and well all those bad memories came back.
They were actually good memories but cause
of some incidents....they turned to bad.....just hated being there the whole time...had no fun...just all those memories coming back....those memories just came back not as fast as they left...those memories that never go away.....god why o why....well time to drown all my sorrows in drinking again....to all those whom this may concern and god....i am sorry

2009-01-20T18:55:00.002+08:00

I don't know why...i just feel like your moving further away from me....its feels like you just dont like me...Maybe im just trying to hard nowadays....maybe you just dont like me anymore.....maybe you dont even want this relationship anymore.....im just too confused with too many things....its like not the same....not like how it used to be....i just pray that its cause i am really thinking too much....maybe i should just relax and dont take things too far and stop trying too much....thats the only way to help myself now....

2009-01-17T17:16:00.002+08:00

Aiya....been really stress for a long time!!!....walao and worse is i cant get to see her nowadays....im really sorry for cancelling alot!!! It doesnt mean i love u any less.....i really love u loadz....but this fucking situations inmy house just making me unable to see u....WHY AM I GETTING REALLY PISSED FOR A LONG TIME!!!haiya i just miss u alot.....hope u are not mad at me anymore.....really really sorry......

2009-01-12T23:24:00.000+08:00

Got results today.....dad want to send me to aussie.....wtf...haiya that decision feels so strong now.....well let it be...

2009-01-12T08:57:00.000+08:00

Results in a few hours....really stress already....ok....relax man you done your best so let it be...

2009-01-10T22:01:00.000+08:00

Here it comes....its starting all over again...and this time im really really scared....why the hell does all this crap happen to me!!!

2009-01-08T22:42:00.002+08:00

WAH!! Have been dam happy for quite awhile....quite new ah....wah loving the days going out man.....wah and yes man is officially my most fav movie of all time!!!:D:D....OK been going jamming with bandmates for awhile....and when out today to eat and play pool with my classmates...results coming soon and im really scared....anw you been really the source of my happines!!!:D thanks alot!!! just hope this really stays:)....walao...i puttin alot of smiley faces sia...walao im very high...haha cant wait for hols to be over and start schoolin....anw hope we last long together....dont wana lose u...:(

I may not be perfect
But will always be true

2009-01-06T00:25:00.001+08:00

I know you forgive me but...still sorry!!!:P.....wah...been really really happy for awhile....wow....havent been this happy since a very long time.....cant belive that the whole emo side of me is like fadin as the days pass....really want this happiness to stay.....pls dont go!!! pretty please!!!:D......results coming in a week......super stres!!!!!!

2009-01-05T23:08:00.001+08:00

VAL!!!! you are such a fucking retard!!!u idiot!!!!....im really sorry....if ur reading this...im really sorry....i really caused you so many probz today...made u sad and all and caused u so many complications....pls forgive me":(

2009-01-02T01:09:00.002+08:00

I CANT BELIVE IT!!!!!! you never did change....your are the same and will always be the same......cant believe i really thought you changed.....you only used me when your other friends abandoned you.....i feel like a fucking idiot!!!!!......You dont act whatever you tell me or tell others.....even when u advise ppl....u arent acting like that.....i really thought you were a real friend.....well if you are sp called a real friend....then i don't need someone like you.....your other friends are your real friends right?.....and you wont tell me bout them cause their your loyal trustworthy friends?....starting to suspect if you did tell anything bout me.......all my trust just gone....my new resolution for this year.....not findin retarded assholes like you....and calling ppl like u friends....tryin not to be so stupid and foolish.....finding ppl who arent hypocrites or contradict themselves....

2008-12-28T23:32:00.001+08:00

Have you ever felt so much hate on a person
that you felt like just killin him.....

Well i did today....for that excuse for a dad i got...
I think god made a mistake in givin him as a dad to me
I will not regret or let a tear out on the day he dies...
i will be the most happiest person on earth.....
the only thing he does is just curse me
on things like my o's which im dam afraid off.....
why the hell did he become my dad....wish he just dies

2008-12-02T23:32:00.001+08:00

I really thought that i could go today in a happy mood....but then....this had to happen.....now mood back to crap mood..!!!!er!!! irritating!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-02T21:12:00.002+08:00

Hihi...came back from youth camp....quite fun but super tiring...kk anw got alot of these to blog...so pay attention!!!

kk...on fri was not very happy happy all cause the night before talking to francis about the things keepin me not prepared for camp.....eventhough he helped they didnt go much.....anw....went church and had ice breakers.....then night prayer...finally lights out at bout 11+ but service team only slept after 1+...also cause of some other external prob...akk....haha....anw then had to wake up at 6 30!!!...wah talk about lack of sleepp

Kk....next day on sat had amazing race....wah was the super tiring of all....my grp started of as the last team to solve the first clue....dope noob shit ......anw when going mt faber caught up with my bros team...then had to climb up mt faber....bloody tiring la...den had to play this game where u pass the cucumber with ur legs....wah scary sia.....then later had to go vivocity to get the next clue lA....then solve one pic with ikea photo.....went to the bus stop and all the teams were there...happy sia....then ran to ikea...had to find dennis....he walking aroundm all over...and my team last team to find him....sot lA....BUT!!luckily the game cancelled cause we were like running around ikea and the security guards chased us out and we were the first team to find out...so we got the clue first....we then go hort park for lunch...

After lunch went to esplnade to find joachim.....my grp first team":D....haha...then we had to go take pic with merlion then had to go singapore flyer to collect stupid things like used singPORE flyer ticket all....haha then had to go stamford raffles statue to find other things.....walao after duno how long of takin pics...we were the first team to finish...so i help my bro team and tell all the ans....so run back to church....and then we had time penalty cause we didnt give 1 item durin singapore flyer....then my bro was alrdy on the way....so he knew that he was going to win..so he purposely come a lil late to make my team not look that bad...haha....but still his team came before time penaly over...so his team won 1st while mine got 2nd.....then at night bbq....my grp did a dam funny version of st gab tellin marry and elizabeth they expectin baby..haha my team won that drama thing...haha super happy lor...

Next day had to wake up early again and had laser quest....wah that one at first quite fun...then later got boring....my team SPE...beat the first team...but lost to the 2nd team....:(....my bros team won the first team and beat the organizers...not bad ah...kudos to his team sia....anw my team was kinda tired cause the amazing race made all of them run like hell....even my teamates ask me if i was a runner or something....haha not bad they found out without asking me....kk then at night had recon...wah had to prep alot sia....me and akk screw up the first song of praise....aiya..nvm akk we were stress liao....anw recon was good....cld feel the spirit movin alot....and we also did pray over....was shocked cause that was really unplanned....then i cried sia during the song pour out my heart...it just touched me suddenly and i just thought bout everythin and what old man told me and just let everythin out...but i happy that i helped diana...she now super happy la...haha u helped some1 vally....

kk then yest had dennis session...was super fun la...we play marble game....then cammy in the end had to run alot...haha...then after that clean up....lunch.....then cldnt go home and sleep cause had to go bsc to do filming.....only left at 7 when the thing got cancelled.....came home talked to diana....after a very long tyme.....then slept at 12+

Then today nth much la...diana call me out...met her at queensway.....no stud...so go macs and eat ice cream......then we go chinatown burger king....and was raining!!! dam fun la!! i love the rain!!....then we go burgerking.....then diana hit her head again!!!walao diana the burgerking dont like u....then after that send her home...the rain stopped already...then when i reached my house bus stop...it started to rain heavily again...so got really wet.....but was home before that came back....tmr i think going bowling oso....wah i duno why but now super happy already!!!:D

2008-11-28T00:41:00.004+08:00

Well....guess my friends were right....guess i really am emotionally attached to you even without me knowing.......but i just don't know what i will do if i ever lose you as a friend...you have been distractin me alot....in a good way...but i know that it was never meant to be...i guess what ppl say were right....but i just dont wana lose you as a friend...its just diff without you in my life.....on other news...considering to leave is just gettin on my head lately....wouldnt have to deal with any crap anymore....any lies or any betrayals....maybe i will start to get less disappointed.....guess i gotta really think after youth camp....just only hope that it would be a easier way out....

There is none like you
For that i will never forget you

2008-11-25T22:02:00.002+08:00

Wah not bad.... i bloggin everyday already sia....haha kk today dam cool day...met akk and ralph again for practice....and akk cam just 10 mins late....me and ralph were impressed...haha anw after akk eat roti prata and her fav curry..we began practice in the hall since my bro still sleepinin the room...then we playing songs....quite tiring afterawhile...then when ralph was playing worthy is the lamb, akk just combined it with god of wonders.....and i don't know if they felt it.....but could really feel the spirit there....dam cool sia!!..haha anw den we just continued addin in and combining songs.....we played alot of songs la!!...haha den we stopped liao cause we got kinda tired already......walao spotaneous praise sia....dam shiok and it all began with worthy is the lamb.....anw have practice tmr and must go confession tmr oso....preparation has begun for camp and prayover.....keep ur head in the current situation and camp val...don't let distractions block you....

You say you don't want to go away,
But just can't help but feeling that you indeed want to...

2008-11-24T20:05:00.002+08:00

Well.....now akk, ralph , my bro and me in my house playin ps2...haha and im owing them!!...i met akk and ralph at my house bout 2+ then go eat lunch.....then we practiced and pick songs for youth camp.....haha den like 5+ dam shag liao.....so play ps2.....ok now must go dinner liao....o ya....diana pang seh me again!! yest ...but not meetin but on the phone.....the mofo go sleep already la...idiot ass....im bored....want to go out soon....any1 available pls tell....:D...ok gtg dinner very hungry

2008-11-22T01:35:00.004+08:00

Ok today was dam fun.....met gerard at kembangan....then we go siemei....from there we walked all the way to tampines....and seriously!!! its a dam long walk.....anw went aj's place and watched movies and avenged sevenfold live concert.......then ram and matthew joined us.....we played guitars...then me and gerard were restin in aj's room....then gerard just played some chords and doin some solos....then he suddenly ask me to put lyrics....haha i got suprised lor....

kk anw then i just for fun just put in stupid words and all....then after that it really sounded quite good....so i gave proper words and we finally made a song titled THE ONLY ONE....haha dont ask about the title....anw heres the song

Girl i need you more than you know
Sometimes i feel like im all alone
It feels like your gone forever
But your just next to me

I need you,
I love you,
You're the only one i need

Whenever i think of you, i feel like im in heaven
Whenever im close to you, it makes me whole
Whenever i see you, you make me melt inside
Now you know i need you by my side

At times alone i feel like you're around
I think of you and you appear
But girl you left me out there feeling cold
Now i need your caring arms

I need you,
I love you,
You're the only one i need

Whenever i think of you i feel like im in heaven
Whenever im close to you it makes me whole
Whenever i see you , you make me melt inside
Now you know that i need you by my side

I need you(more than anything)
I love you(love your presence)
Your the only one i need(yes i need you girl)
Your the only on i need

I know you are all critics....but this song is just dam nice la...cause the words really came from me lor...anwgot some ppl say its more pop than heavy....i will take that as a compliment....i duno why but i start loving acoustic songs more....anw hope we can make more songs like this

2008-11-20T23:51:00.003+08:00

Well youth camp coming soon....preparation already begun....tryin to set aside everything thats in my head now.....keep it clear val....anw going aj's place tmr to meet up classmates again...i guess i may have lost the closeness i had with alot of my friends due to o'lvl....hope they will forgive me and just be like normal....how they used to be....i just wish that everything could be like last time...there was pain but didnt hurt as much as this...hope it will all just fade away....i just don't know why people think i like everyone....to all those out there....i like no1 k.....it took me awhile to forget my ex...and i aint that kinda sick and flirty guy who will like other girls when i still in that whole isolation mood....i forgotten my ex already and it doesnt mean im flirty alright...it will really be helpful if you all stop makin conclusions that i like some girls or believin false accusations about me....

I may not be perfect
But i always been true

2008-11-18T22:36:00.002+08:00

Well yest was grad night....because of some problems...really couldn't enjoy myself.....

CURRENT MOOD: REALLY FUCKED UP

what i am gona do about it? nothing.....guess i just suddenly lost hope in everyone....i just don't know....am i that fickle? Guess alot of ppl think so.....don't even know what gave them that idea....find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around man....guess the damage is done.....don't know what am gona do to get my lost reputation out there....maybe i should just fuck it like i used to.....

I wish things were the way they used to be

2008-11-17T00:10:00.002+08:00

PLEASE READ THIS!!!!

I just want to say im sorry for now.....its a really hard time for me now....trust me im getting more hurt then you by doing this.....i just need time off alright.....im really really sorry...please read this...and please dont hate me for this!!!!I need you more than you know....please im beggin you please

SUI SUI

2008-11-14T00:27:00.002+08:00

OK.....today damn sui sui day....o lvls ended!!!:D...kk so after school we all like changed and ready to go out all.....we did alot of crap....will have a post specially for that....anw the major part of the day was...i got freakin new electric!!!!!fender!!!!!omg i am dam happy lor....thanks to my mum and bro lor....haha but now i gotta work to pay them back.....haiya.....nvm can one....anw i like made akk come all the way to swee le make her sound check and see everythin alright.....then after that we goaround findin amp...then dont have....so i gotta take akk one....then later she came over to my house waitin for curry cooked by my bro....haha!!! too bad no curry.....haha anw....then we watch some funy shows....then later we left and i go akk house to collect amp den wait like until 9 30 ....my parents came to fetch me....my dad not happy with me lor...idiot ass

Wah came home and tried it...omg its dam nice la!!!anw was thinking of naming it germaine at first....but since some ppl thinkin that when i say i love germaine...they think i love my good fren germaine....i have changed it to nicolette.....cause she was so honoured lor.....haha....anw happy o's over...can lepak everyday...and well waiting for artist license....pls come!! well been single for a year alrdy leh....mayb i shld start dating again....or mayb just remain single my whole life......duno la...i surrender all to god lor.....he will guide me......got so many days of slacking to do.....so if my attitude not good....cause im slacking too much...and sorry.....after a week or 2 will be back to my normal self...hehe till then sayonara troubles and worries:D

I will catch your tears,
Before they reach the ground

2008-11-09T22:06:00.002+08:00

I told ya before...i dont want a relationship now....lifes just too complicated now.....talkin to dennis to day and its true....what goes around comes around.....and gives me more reason why i dont want a relationship now.....look i didnt know you were avoidin me cause you like me....and if your reading this....thanks for being frank with me....but like i said....im not a good guy for you.....i just got alot ofthings on my mind...i always wan you to be my friend....at least now i know why you have been avoidin me....hope u still talk to me as usual.....anw ill meet u as soon as my o's over....finally i know that you really dont hate me but the other way round....pls read this!!!!! will be your friend always:D

A relationship that always last is friendship

Please don't let me go

2008-11-08T20:52:00.003+08:00

Wah...have been really stressing about o lvls....finally coming to an end....just this thurs....then time to party like rockstar....things to do after o's

Get tattoo artist license....
Become tattoo artist.....
Earn more money then i earn in gigs....
Change my attitude on things....
Relieve stress....

Wah alot of things but very lil time.....hopefully can do all these.....yest praise was alright....but real last min...never prepare so much.....hope people felt the spirit.....Anw iwan gave me a choice to go for this evanglical leaders camp....yeah i know sounds cool....but its a 12 day retreat....wah....still thinking bout it.....anw i have decided by the end of this year i shall become less mutt and less punk and less rocker and become more good boy....OMG!!!! kk try val try.....what if i wear proper jeans and shirt???...omg a whole new me....anw just wan2 get my mind cleared of some stuff already....

I really forgot my ex....so please stop saying i miss her aite...i dont like sharmini anymore....but then i just cant help you just avoidin me through out this year...eventhough you seem to act normal its just your actin differently to me....i just wish i can scream it out and ask you why.....but well guess im too scared....scared that you will hate me more...or you will start to hate me.....i really dont wana lose you....you really mean alot to me....stay by my side k:D...pls.....

Look into my eyes
Thats who i can live without

2008-11-06T19:57:00.003+08:00

Depression

Regret

Confusion

I hate feeling like this....waiting for o's to be over.....enough of showin a fake smile everyday

Will yout still love morning me in the morning?

2008-11-03T22:38:00.002+08:00

Guess i really don't know what to say at times....always saying wrong things at wrong times....im sorry:(

Tonight i have fallen and i can't get up...

I need your loving hands to come and pick me up

AVENGED FOR LIFE!!!

2008-10-17T11:00:00.005+08:00

Before the story begins, is it such a sin,
for me to take what's mine, until the end of time?
We were more than friends, before the story ends,
And I will take what's mine, create what
God would never design

Our love had been so strong for far too long,
I was weak with fear that
something would go wrong,
before the possibilities came true,
I took all possibility from you
Almost laughed myself to tears,
conjuring her deepest fears

Must have stabbed her fifty fucking times,
I can't believe it,
Ripped her heart out right before her eyes,
Eyes over easy, eat it, eat it, eat it

She was never this good in bed
even when she was sleepin'
now she's just so perfect I've
never been quite so fucking deep in
it goes on and on, and on,
I can keep you lookin' young and preserved forever,
with a fountain sprayed on your youth whenever

'Cause I really always knew that my little crime
would be cold that's why I got a heater for your thighs
and I know, I know it's not your time
but bye, bye
and a word to the wise when the fire dies
you think it's over but it's just begun
but baby don't cry

You had my heart, at least for the most part
'cause everybody's gotta die sometime, we fell apart
let's make a new start
'cause everybody's gotta die sometime yeah
but baby don't cry

Now possibilities I'd never considered,
are occurring the likes of which I'd never heard,
Now an angry soul comes back from beyond the grave,
to repossess a body with which I'd misbehaved

Smiling right from ear to ear
Almost laughed herself to tears

Must have stabbed him fifty fucking times
I can't believe it
Ripped his heart out right before his eyes
Eyes over easy
Eat it, eat it, eat it

Now that it's done I realize the error of my ways
I must venture back to apologize from somewhere far beyond the grave

I gotta make up for what I've done
'Cause I was all up in a piece of heaven
while you burned in hell, no peace forever

'Cause I really always knew that my little crime
would be cold that's why I got a heater for your thighs
and I know, I know it's not your time
but bye, bye
and a word to the wise when the fire dies
you think it's over but it's just begun
but baby don't cry

You had my heart, at least for the most part
'Cause everybody's gotta die sometime, we fell apart
Let's make a new start
'Cause everybody's gotta die sometime yeah
But baby don't cry

I will suffer for so long
(What will you do, not long enough)
To make it up to you
(I pray to God that you do)
I'll do whatever you want me to do
(Well then I'll break you unchained)
And if it's not enough
(If it's not enough, If it's not enough)
If it's not enough
(Not enough)
Try again
(Try again)
And again
(And again)
Over and over again

We're coming back, coming back
We'll live forever, live forever
Let's have wedding, have a wedding
Let's start the killing, start the killing

Do you take this man in death for the rest of your unnatural life?
(Yes, I do.)
Do you take this woman in death for the rest of your unnatural life?
(I do)
I now pronounce you...

'Cause I really always knew that my little crime
would be cold that's why I got a heater for your thighs
and I know, I know it's not your time
but bye, bye
And a word to the wise when the fire dies
you think it's over but it's just begun
but baby don't cry

You had my heart, at least for the most part
'Cause everybody's gotta die sometime, we fell apart
Let's make a new start
'Cause everybody's gotta die sometime yeah
But baby don't cry

The reason why i keep puttin a7x live videos is to show the agony i have now!!!!err!!!a7x concert next week and got o's.....damn man!!!!aiya fate sia......anw really hope they come back again.....anyway this live video is like the most interactive one where everyone sings....even the rev....also is a damn touching song if you see the lyrics.....o's coming and getting really stressed....somre at home more stress....hope it al ends soon...

I left her when i found her

And now i wished i stayed

SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-13T18:13:00.004+08:00

Caught up in this madness too blind to see
Woke animal feelings in me
Took over my sense and I lost control
I'll taste your blood tonight

You know I make you wanna scream
You know I make you wanna run from me baby
but know it's too late you've wasted all your time

Relax while you're closing your eyes to me
So warm as I'm setting you free
With your arms by your side there's no struggling
Pleasure's all mine this time

You know I make you wanna scream
You know I make you wanna run from me baby
but know it's too late you've wasted all your time

Cherishing, those feelings pleasuring
Cover me, unwanted clemency
Scream till there's silence
Scream while there's life left, vanishing
Scream from the pleasure unmask your desire
perishing

We've all had a time where we've lost control
We've all had our time to grow
I'm hoping I'm wrong but I know I'm right
I'll hunt again one night

You know I make you wanna scream
You know I make you wanna run from me baby
but know it's too late you've wasted all your time

Cherishing, those feelings pleasuring
Cover me, unwanted clemency
Scream till there's silence
Scream while there's life left, vanishing
Scream from the pleasure unmask your desire
perishing

Some live repressing their instinctive feelings
Protest the way we're built don't point the blame on me

Scream, Scream, Scream the way you would
if I ravaged your body
Scream, Scream, Scream the way you would if I ravaged

your mind

Cherishing, those feelings pleasuring
Cover me, unwanted clemency
Scream till there's silence
Scream while there's life left, vanishing
Scream from the pleasure unmask your desire
perishing

betrayal!!!!!

2008-10-12T00:05:00.002+08:00

I freaking trusted you!!!!! cant believe i was so stupid!!!!! i actually believed you.....actually thought you really cared....but your like the others who came and went.....you hate me means tell it tomy face!!!!! you don't have to pretend......pretend to really care......if you want to ignore me...just do it....no need any freaking excuses ....if you dont like to talk to me or like me to be in your life just tell it!!!!! dont pretend!!!!!im the freaking idiot!!!!!God...im taking all this in......my one prayer to yo....happiness....just that one thing i need.....nothing else...the thing i have been longing for so long...i don't wana pretend am happy anymore.....please....just help me god.....and i just wan you to make my mind clear...if she doesnt care bout me.....then just make her go away......im sick of people faking things!!!!

What doesn't kill me....

Only makes me stronger......

Surrender and you shall be free of your sins

CONFUSED

2008-10-07T19:03:00.004+08:00

Well been awhile since my last post....o's coming and am really stressed....cant think of anything else....argh!!! hate it......hopefully can be more peaceful after o's

If you have everything....
Then where will you put it all

Guess no one can be perfect or happy always.....im just really confused.....do you really like me.....if you do then why keep it to yourself.....just tell me...how would you know whatim thinkin....or do you just hate me and just pretendin cause am like a idiot who keeps talking....guess i really talked too much sometimes.....but seriously....if its true i hope you really tell me.......17 october is coming up.....i hate this date since last year.....it was the best day of my life....i thought i could still hold you i my arms this year too.....guess things change and people change....the best day just turned to the worst.......if only i had been more careful with my words.......i just don't know.....i just feel like im still alone sometimes.....and i got this feeling that everyone around me hates me.....why is this feeling coming to me......issit true or am i imagining stuff.......sometimes i even get the feel theres no meaning to anything.....guess people around me are starting to hate me again.....going back to the past man.......just hope i dont fall into the pit again......and i really hope everything changes and hope what i think isnt true......after her.....friends are the only thing i have left....hope that doesnt leave me.....

Im lonely

Im tired

And im missing you again

2008-08-30T13:09:00.002+08:00

hey all....i just wana tell every1 sorry for my behaviour for the past few weeks......i just talked to my bro today....and well.....without me knowing there are people who look up to me and need my help....and if i keep thinkin bout sha and my past....then how can i expect to help others....god helps those who helps themselves....to help others around me...i gotta help my self.....i was so into my problems and my life......i forgot all about the people around me......how i used to bring laughter and joy into their lives...how i really used to make them happy and myself.....yes i put on a mask to these things....but maybe this mask will stick onto me.....my friends out there.....i am really sorry for behaving how i was....because of thinkin bout myself too much....i forgot of those people who really cared for me....also those people i used to talk to and help.....guess i kinda avoided everyone....and forgot about these people who really made a difference in my life.....firstly it ould be dennis...i kept thinkin he was mad at me and clouded my mind with all sorts of idiotic things.....next person would be diana.....hey diana if your reading this....i am really sorry if i ignored you inanyway.....i guess i just dont wana let go of my past sometimes......guess i must learn to let go.....i just wana tell everyone im sorrie......bye bye to the emotional and depressed me.....say hello to the old valentino:DDD....smiley smiley...haha.....havent laughed for a long tyme...and it feels good......hopefully i dont let tis cloud my mind again.....

And god...i have not lost faith in you and i will never again try too......your the only one i need at my happy times and at my worst times....please walk beside me and never let me ever think you left me astray

2008-08-29T21:43:00.003+08:00

I guess evey1 just d0nt care b0ut me anym0re.....guess they alrdy l0st h0pe......t0day when really needed t0 t0k t0 s0me1......n0 freakin pers0n replied!!!!!!!! all just dn care!!!!! fakerz!!!!! first sha left me....nw every1 single pers0n!!!!! why me!!!! why the fuck is all this happenin 2 me!!!!1 what r0ng did i d0 t0 any 0f u ppl!!!!! just g0!!!!! I dn need any1!!!!!! stop fakin y0u ppl care!!!! Im sick 0f cryin and wastin my tears!!!! i need n01 already!!!! just stop hurtin me alrdy.....l0st sharmini...then the ppl arnd me...nw m l0sin myself.....wh0 am i nw...better yet...wat m i nw....i d0n0.....sha....y did u make me in2 this.....im l0sin it!!!!!

I thought i had you cl0se t0 me.....

But n0w u are straying away fr0m me......

I am l0sing myself tryin t0 get y0u back....

ALONE!!!

2008-08-21T16:57:00.001+08:00

I AM FINALLY ALONE IN THIIS WORLD OF MINE!!!!

NOW I OFFICIALY HAVE NO ONE TO RELY ON OR SEEK HELP!!!!

I NEED SOME ONE TOO TALK TOO

I miss the times

I thought you were mine

2008-08-17T15:33:00.002+08:00

Well.....has been ages since i wrote a post...well this wan gona be a long one anyway...well GCP is over.....and its like my class got more bonded and guys who were in my class for 4 years finally toked....omg....well.....life is really great though....it was going real great but now....its just getting worse...i think its the o lvl stress and oso alot of other things....for a few days now thinking bout sharmini alot.....its juts so irritating!!!!....WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!!!!....DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING DEPRESSED I M NOW!!!! damn!!!! that song....seize the day.......memories of her...and now i seein her also....am i hallucinating.!!!!er!!!!i just hate it!!!

EVERYTHIN IS GOIN AGAINST ME!!!.....everytime i get angry....it willl turn to sadness den depression den back to the state i was before.....remembering bout her.....this whole year...i tried not to get angry by joking around more.....telling jokes making jokes bout people.....so that i wan be angry or sad...mainly to get me from getting angry...but its not working!!!! today one idiot keepin askin me if i out with a girll....i keep sayin no and she sayin i lyin......and i think dennis is angry with me cause i lied......dennis really helped me alot.....from being a satanist to coming back to church...his advice helped me and guided me.....and nw...i tink hes angry with me cause i lied...i m sorrie.....and i just ant take it anymore.....the memories are back...i cant throw it away!!!! GOD WAT IS HAPPENING!!!!!.......i came back to church to get rid of those fuckers in my life....to change...but i find more people here.....more people gossipin bout me thinkin i dun know....WELL FYI!!!!! I KNOW THAT YOU ASSHOLES ARE TALKIN BEHIND MY BACK IN CHURCH!!!!.....they are makin me more pissed....and i just keep thinkin bout sharmini....just a few mins ago it happen......STOP TALKIN BEHIND MY BACK!!!! if u not happy with me or dont like me say it to my fuckin faCE!!!!

I just have no1 again......i have so many people around me but i just feel dam lonely....didnt have these much people with me before.....i didnt felt lonely....but now even ith this much people i just feeling dam lonely.......after sha i just needed god only....i still need him.....but just these people aint makin life easier for me....i just cant take it!!!!! WHY IS EVERYTHING WRONG HAPPENING WITH ONLY ME!!!!!! BEin a satanist wasnt the biggest mistake....now im gettin my punishment.....i just dont need any1 anymore......no need church no need friends!!!! just leave me fucking alone!!! iwana b alone now!!!!!! i don need any1!!!!! just piss off!!!! get off my life!!!! wana talk bad bout me talk to my freaking face!!!! dn u dare tok behind my back.....i just dn find the need to even live nowadays.....life is just screwin me up!!!!i taken so much of this gossip and so much of this crap....y shld i act anymore.....y shld i pose myself to b happy anymore....y shld i b a joker anymore....y shld i show to people im happy and lifes ok anymore.....for wat shit!!!!.....i not gona show m happy...and just for their sake and mine....let this drama go on......NOT ANYMORE!!! I AM SICK OF ACTING!!!! i just gona do what i wangt alreayd...don need those fakers who act as if they care!!!!!!!!!! people also wana call me a chauvanist....let it be!!!!!i don care!!!!! I sick of acting that everything is really alright and life is really happy!!!!!! NO MORE!!!!!!!!!

Born as a boy
Live as a man
Die as a legend

2008-06-30T19:22:00.002+08:00

Hihi.....walao...i just noticed....i never write post in awhile and some people(diana in particular)have been eggin me to update...so well...school start already....and tmr is the start of GCP....gona come home dam late la....o ya!! and today was like my mt o lvl oral siol....dam funny....gt two indian lady....they were smilin at me alot...and i was smilin back and i really think they thought i was some kinda of a reatrd cause i was smiling and they were like..."you can start mr valentino"....haha....funny ah siol....anw happy that oral finish..next is listening compre....haha cant wait

Well havent talk to my band members in awhile.....only talkin to eric and talked to cecelia yest....cant believe that O lvl stress is coming to me now only!!!! ARGH!!! idiot la I....kk cnt slack...chiongster only......cant go band practice anymore...hope seth dont get mad....anw.....seems like nowadays i gettin more and more happy......and diana!!!! I AM ATT!!!! ARDY!!! BELIVE ME!!!...HAHA!!...walao no1 belivin i att.....im att to M*****.....hehe for her own safety i keepin it a secret....haha....sorie diana i cheatin on u....haha.....

Anw skool quite cool oso....no mopre nagging frm teachers ardy....o ya oso i realised on sunday....whenever me and diana go out...something weird and funny always happen.....last time was the ang mor and the "SWEETIE"...on sun we were in the lift....then this man and woman and thei daughter was wif them...the daughter like 4 yrs old cn......then we going down time she was like..." Mummy...how come so many people??? You me papa mama and they....so many people...why ah mummy?? why they come....." OMG!!!! dam funny la!!!...anw hope i got time to write more post....haha.....

Will you,
Still walk with me

Through the blazing flames
And the deepest seas

Pre-con camp

2008-06-09T16:30:00.002+08:00

Hi Hi.....hahah...well just came back from pre-con camp..cant believe it ended so fast...we were all having alot of fun.....got to talk more to the youths and got to know them better....and also helped some of them really open up to god and surrender themselves....we had great on the first day playing games getting to know people....

Then the next day had 2 sessions and also had WWJD...haha i played as devil and tortured them!!! haha....even some got pissed with me for bein a great devil...haha...and ...recon was good....alot of them opened up and felt a freat sense of their sins going away.....guess my payer and fasting really worked....haha

Third day was a really touching day...and the most greatest part was pray over.....me my bro and kim were in 1 grp and we prayed over a few of them.....just letting the spirit flow....it was reallt great...the facils and people who were there for the participants blasting in tongues....asking the spirit to be there...when they got the first person got slain ...alot of them were scared....and oso freaked out....but in the end....they just accpeted god into their lives....and 1 of the participants we prayed over got the gift of tongues and just started blasting.....later we just praised god in song and P&W...and today we had one session and cleaned up the rooms and left for home....

I just wished tat all the participants will not let outside temptation and everyday life propbz affect them and turn them back to the old ways....o yea!!! can listen to heavy metal songs again!!! WOAH!!! and can go jamming again!!!...yay!!!..anw during pray over guess i just cried there during praise and worship cause i was asking god to forgive all the things i have done...and i could just feel that god still loves me.....eventhough watever i did....and i also had a vision that i would be happy and i was just crying to god out...asking him for that happiness.....and guess that sense of happiness was alrdy inside me.....cmon valentino!! no mre emo no mre depression.....just keep smilin...bye

BEST DAYS EVER!!!

2008-06-04T14:55:00.003+08:00

Hello!!!....well....been really happy for two days....yesterday was really the best day of my life....me and seth talked yest alot....we kinda settle eveything...but i still dont trust him much....den cecelia felt so bad she say she wana treat me sweet recipe....welll hw could i resist...a treat....haha...anw yest was just playing around with the guitar then jeff called me to go slack at his place....rich kid la he.....already has 7 guitars, 1 drumset , 2 bass guitars, a few mics....damn rich ass....anw went there to write a few songs....and we got like dam hungry....so he ordered pizza...and it took like forever to come!!!anyway...while we waiting....wrote a few lyrics...and played his xbox for awhile......then his girlfren cam over....haha...and she was like..."VAL!!!omg....your smiling!!!...is the world ending??".....i was like wtf!!....i do smile k....jealous ppl

Anw that idiot jeff is now planning to get a new guitar...tempest hellraiser!!!! idiot rich ass.....can get his guitar like changin socks...haha!!...anw hes the only guy i can trust now.....since almost everyone betrays me....o ya....robyn gwee is like dam jealous of him la!!!....dn cry robyn!! anw did a few lines and kinda have 2 verses....not that good...but working progress.....

Have you looked at the stars tonight?

Their shining bright as city lights,

and wherever you are I hope

your shining with them too.

Are you looking at the same blackened darkness,

that shines through the light?

I'm hoping that somewhere in there lies,

your caring eyes.

As daylight dawns,

the moon goes to rest.

The colors' gone,

from my happiness.

The world's been overturnes,

without you.

You felt so real I couldn't conceal

my feelings about you.

Waking up to actuality,

My stomach feels so eerie

as I try to remember dreams of you and me,

and I see...

Dn laugh...working progress.....anw....when pizza cam...ate for bout 20 mins and left...cause got SPA today.....o ya.....2 MORE DAYS TO CAMP!!!!....was waiting for this the whole month.....haha hope everything goes well....hope lifes goes well too....hope all my probs with frenz are settled....wana be happy ardy...enough of being sad....time for a change....cya all...o ya....this fri...piercing ear...haha cool!!!

So take my hand,

we'll follow a trail of roaring fire,

too the end......

BETRAYING BITCHES!!!!

2008-05-29T16:39:00.002+08:00

FUCKING BITCH!!!!....I freaking hell trusted you!!!!! told you bout myself.....treated you as a close friend.....and now!!!!you only used me!!!!! I should have known from the begining.....the noly freaking thing i hate more than an enemy...is a fucking betrayer like you!!!!!.....i don't need this friendship anymore....i don't need you fake care....all lies!!!!....all this time......only used me to get what you want....only used me so that you will be able to get closer.....damn u!!!!! i don't need your freaking friendship!!...trusted you too freaking much!!!! GOD WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!!!!.....ENOUGH!!! i cant take anymore of these test......its just too much.....first sha left me...now this fren i thought who i could really trust ended up only using me!!!! I NEVER WANA SEE YOUR FREAKING FACE RO TALK TO YOUR FREAKING FACE ANYMORE!!!! TO HELL WITH LIFE!!!!!

2008-05-29T15:20:00.002+08:00

OMG!!!!!I FREAKING KNEW IT!!!!....guess what i suspected really happened.....and now....i know u freaking hell used me.....idiot!!!!just fuck off my life!!!! I finally figured out everything......just freaking used me didnt u....BITCH!!!!.......lets c hw ur life goes now.....u can just freaking hell FUCK OFF!!!...mylife......happy to get away frm u.....

2008-05-28T15:17:00.002+08:00

TWO WORDZ FOR YOU!!!!.....FUCK OFF!!!......I HAD ENOUGH OF YOU....Trying to change you...but still.....you thinking you so smart right....u betrayed me.....the only thing i cant forgive in a person is betrayal....dman...i cant believe it took me so long to realise.....you just freakin betrayed me...not only me bout the people around you....think you so smart right...be on your own....i aint gona give two shits bout you anymore.....grow on your own...i dun need you or your friendship......your still immature....thinkin you grown up....relfect on your own freaking self for once!!!....you knew i had my own probz...but still...you wana make it worse.....just get lost aite...i dun need you.....dont ever come tok to me again....i wont bother even touching the fone.....i have the ppl who really care for me out there....not ppl like you who used me to fill ur own emptiness.....AM THE IDIOT!!!.....FREAKING LIFE IS GOING FREAKIN NOWHERE!!!!!......

2008-05-27T22:21:00.002+08:00

walao!!!...days damn stressed.....first today wake up go late for remedial then kana screwed by ms teo...walao....she ah...then after that when kfc eat.....somore my friend treat...lucky me....then was so dying wanting to go jamming...but sadly...fasting...so cant....and its day 2 on my abstaing of heavy metal and thos genres realted to it....ITS KILLER!!!....mati sia....come home sleeping the whole time....then wen to go meet jeff at vivo.....and that idiot came to vivo drunk with his girfriend and blabbing to me alot of things of what seth and cecelia talking behind my back....i seriously dont give a shit anymore aready....

Then...went church for some briefing for pre con camp.....haha i hope the pre confirmants have fun......Anw.....just read diana blog.....and well...what she says is true.....everyone just wish that they could just turn back time....even i too wish that i could just go back to the past....and just change everything.....i wouldnt turn out like this.....if only i had that chance....lifes gettin mre screwed each day.....people saying i causing them trouble...and i causing their break ups....wtf!!! i didnt even do any shit.....my whole band is giving me a headache...somre o lvls....i just wish everyone can just go away!!! why am i getting these thoughts....these mood swings.....I NEED ANSWERES!!!

2008-05-20T20:25:00.002+08:00

Well....this post isnt about anything that happen tat was happy....just have to say ....FUCK YOU SETH!!!......you are a fucking idiotic vocalist and a band leader!!!for thise whole year i was like listening to your advice.....eventhough ur satanic....ur an ass!!! dumb dog....before cecelia joined the band i told u nt to influence her!!!! u sweared to me!!! u just make me fucking pissed!! Jeff just came out of this satanice shit last week...now u wan cecelia to go in?? i told u not to bring her for ur fukin meetings!!!....she can even ask me wether she should join ur meeting often!!!....Look i was once like u....bt i made sure i changed my life...so tat i wldnt turn out to be you!!! you are an idiot.....cecelia has been my fren since i was like pre k!!!u idiot.....u turned a nice girl into a follower of u!!!DAMN U!!! WTH DID SATAN EVER DO ANY GD FOR U....!!!!

Cause of this freakin prob i cant talk to anyone properly.......i told her all the good things bout u.....but yet.....u still come to do this.....i respected u alot...all tat respect is gone nw.....i dun need this stinkin band anymore!! this is why i have been avoidin u guys for these few days.....stop spreadin ur satanic shit around man!!!

To add mre pain.....ppl suspecting me of tryin to ruin their relation ship....the girl i loved alot....dare tell ppl around tat we oni were att for a day.....lies everywhere...betrayal......and for me...anger depression regret!!!i hate this freakin moods!!!! i cant even think of writing a song anymore.....why does my life have to be the screwed up one....i just cant take anymore of this....this type of things make me regret why the fuck i didnt jump on that day.....my frenz tellin me i having mood swings.....wth is wrong wif me....i need answers!!!

2008-05-18T18:18:00.002+08:00

Well....been a few days since my last post.....lifes feelin better now....still writing songs and poems....but the thing is ....now i really understand what i write.....the songs i used to write...now i can play happily play infront of my friends and band......all the songs written at my down times i can finally play it to people....haha....lifes been really better....anw today when church and for the sec3 class.....francis gave a talk on gifts of the holy spirit and was really fun.....then later went purmei to slack.....and diana!! she pang seh me siol....pang seh kia

Anw then came back home...talkin to jeff bout god more....i cant belive that satanic dog wan god in his life now....damn he changed alot.....my prayers really worked.....mt O's coming soon.....stress....o ya and somemore nicolette come talking to me....after like duno how long...wah she still can remember me ah...haha.....yest talk about the past all to her and we were like laughing bout it....haha she also 1 weird girl.....lifes changin...and i never ever felt better....anw today was bored....and just thinking....because of sharmini...i got stronger...and because of her alot of things happen....so my new song....and P.S...its a happy song...first time riting a happy one

Because of you

my world is now whole,

Because of you

love lives in my soul.

Because of you

I have laughter in my eyes,

Because of you

I am no longer afraid of good-byes.

You are my pillar

my stone of strength,

With me through all seasons

and great times of length.

My love for you is pure

boundless through space and time,

it grows stronger everyday

with the knowledge that

you'll always be mine.

At the altarI will joyously say 'I do',

for I have it all now

and it's all because of you.

And its not a copyright of kelly clarksons because of you song!!...haha....hope this happiness last long....i hate it when my friends are sad cause they fail tryin to make me happy.....for all the people out there who cared for me and helped me in my time of need....i thank you all.....even if some of you hate me...i still thank you all.....you guys and girls are the best people in my life....will never forget u guyz.....haha tc u all

I know how you feel inside

I've been there before

2008-05-10T19:55:00.002+08:00

Wah..yest never go praise....dam sad...stupid leg injury and my mum never allow....well yest last day of paper.....so after that went to play soccer for duno how long....then went jamming with Jeff,Eric and cecilia.Got injured in soccer still go jamming and leg got worse....my mum made me not go cause hate to rest n blah blah.....missed goin eventhough for 1 day:(......anw.....went movie today...gilian woke me up....haha....well...we went to watch speedracer....me, ralph, calvin, dennis, veronica, diana, gilian.....the movie cost $10...dam....haha...anw....the movie was real nice..but the brother was an idiot man...haha...anw the girls went toilet and some1 took verons handphone and wallet....TAT BITCH!!!......dam man.....den me n ralph went to the inof counter and asked around....poor veron....then gil and diana bought ice-cream for her to cheer her up...she was abit happier....then we went macs to eat ice-cream....there tok loadz more crap.....and i found out that gillian had amzaing art skills.....i think i shall ask her design my bands logo.....hopefully she will agree....then ralph had to leave and we went to page1 and looking at some books and the girls wanted to see SEVENTEEN.....nonsense la they....then went to candy empire and giant to buy sweets and chocos.....after that dennis veron and calvin left....i followed diana and gillian to all the shops to go shop....man it felt like having a gf again....haha.....anw....they ltr went zara...and gillian was trying out all the high-heels...and tried to out height me...haha too bad gil....anw....after that we left ardy...haha today really fun day.....keeps e away frm all the bad things that happen and are still happening in life....and well...i guess thoughts of sharmini are just fading away day by day.....i mean....she really hates me....and i even had a small thought she still loved me....well if we were meant to be....life wouldnt be like this would it......lifes gettin abit happier......i just dun want sharmini back in my life.....shes happy...let her be happy....i have really learnt the true meaning of love...

LOVE= Keep the person you love happy no matter what.....

Well .....i really loved her....so i wan her to be happy eventhough its not with me......shes happy with that guy....so i shall leave her alone....kas is also happy with jeremy ....so i left her to b happy wif him last yr.....guess i have to do it again....but wif sha....let those two b happy.....thats what i want........but sha just hurt me alot this whole year....and well....let her be happy...sharmini.....if ur reading this....im sorry for disturbing your relationship with your guy if i did.....guess i should just really leave you alone....im sorry....anw...i just wrote this song for you.....if i could....i wish i can play it to you one day.....can see how crazy i was...the last tears i ever shed for you.....

Tears I'll wipe away the tears that surround my eyes,

I'll look up to the sky and pray that my wish come true,

Remember all the fun times,

Remember how much we'd be together,

All the time I'd think about you,

The tears start to fall again,

The wish has been broken,

The time has come,

When I'll see,

The true side,

Of you,

The pain builds up,

I can't help but scream,

It hurts so much,

To cry in pain,

Is all I can do..

Well...guess the tears are gone....i really hope you read this....hope no more probs come in your relationship because of me.....my life has to go on...i cant keep remembering the past....it just hurts alot....only remembering the happy moments we had....the day we got att at punggol....that day i will never forget in my life....the smile i had...all i will never forget....hope the new guy is better than all your ex's...i wish you all the best....as for me....i feel better in life.....theres a new meaning in life for me.....everything is gone...but the emories remain...

When you looked me in the eye.

I caught a glimpse of heaven

the three trees

2008-05-03T23:09:00.002+08:00

Well.....it took me a whole week to figure my whole life out......i just got so lost....i didnt even know what to do....praying at night asking god what he wants me to do....asking him to guide me....asking him why arent things going how i planned.....for a whole week got blinded....and then....a good friend of mine came to me.....and talked to me about her problem.....and i talked to her and helped her out....showed her a story which made her feel better and happier....and after reading that story again and again....well i finally realised....things may not be going my way, but it doesnt mean i have to take it in a bad way....well the story of the three tress.....really helped me wish it can help you.....

Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods.
They were discussing there hopes and dreams when the first tree said,"
Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver, and precious gems. I could be decorated with intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty."
Then the second tree said," Someday I will be a mighty ship.
I will take Kings and Queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world.
Everyone will feel safe in me, because of the strength of my hull."
Finally the third tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest and the straightest tree in the forest.
People will come to see me on top of the hill and look up to my branches and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching.
I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will always remember me."
After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true. A group of woodsmen came upon the tree.
When one came to the first he said," I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter"... and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he new the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest.
At the second tree the woodsmen said," This looks like a strong tree, I should be able to sell it to a shipyard.” The second tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to become a mighty ship.
When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because knew that if they cut him down, his dreams would not come true. One of the woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special from my tree, so I'll take this one," and cut it down.
When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed box for the animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not at all what he prayed for.
The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of becoming a mighty ship and carrying Kings had come to an end.
The third was cut into large pieces and left alone in the dark.
The years went by, and the trees forgot about there dreams. Then one day, a woman and man came to the barn. She gave birth and they placed the baby on the hay in the feed box that was made for the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that he held the greatest treasure of all time.
Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe.
The men woke the sleeping man, and he stood and said, "PEACE", and the storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that he had carried the King of Kings in its boat.
Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the streets as people mocked the man who was carrying it. When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of the hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be close to GOD as possible, because Jesus was crucified on it.
The moral of the story is that when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you.
If you place your trust in Him, he will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they imagined. We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best.

Now...i realised what i want in life...intense prayer to god has made me realise...and what i want in life is clear.....because of her....i cant ruin my life.....its always hard to say goodbye......but the feeling after that would be better.....

2008-04-30T20:14:00.002+08:00

How can u event hink im trying to gain sympathy??!!!IM just hearing the worse news day by day.....i mean you think i would even swear on my own mum to gain sympathy??!!!I don need sympathy....i dony need anythin....ALL I NEED IS YOU!!!!wHY DONT YOU JUST UNDERSTAND THAT!!!I just cant stop thinking of you....even when we broke up i thought about you every single day....you just dont get how much of a impact you have put on my life....I used to just like any girl....but now its just like no girl in my mind....cant u understand that.....i dont need anyones pity i dont need anyones help....all i ever needed is you...i can confirm that with anyone.....i wont change.....if you think i just doing this for fun u are hell wrong...i just need you girl....why dont u just understand...what wrong did i do to you....???If only we didnt have that talk....no of this will happen.....but you still like that other guy....I dont need your symapthy...i just hope you understand how i feel bout you.....

FINALLY HOPE HAS FADE!!

2008-04-28T18:52:00.003+08:00

Always thought.....how my life is now....it wouldn't get worse....that it was picking up abit....life once starting to turn abit more happier....the chance of hope still kept me strong....but again....nothing last forever....including happiness....today she called me.....i was really happy....i was oso suprised....guess some ppl went to go tell her that the whole reason for this blog was about different girls....she didn't even check with me...but believe everyone out there....and finally she said what i thought she would never say...."Can you just get a life!!!!".....those freaking words!!!....just....that sec....all the hope all the happiness went dwn.....well i really did think life was picking up....everything was changin.....but still....well....maybe it is true...i was never fated to be happy...i dont care if all my x's r reading this...but i oni was att to her for very short period.....but i just really loved her alot.....more than all my x's put together...but well....i guess what wrong things i did...are coming back to haunt me....i just couldnt take words she said man......i just don't know what to do in life anymore.....you really were my everything.......and i missing you for so long.....like a stray to my friends.....just longing for the day for you to come back.....eventhough i tear for you everyday...i just have the feeling left that i want you back.....this pain hurts...but still....i just miss you girl......well.....i started this blog to show to the world how much i loved u!!!...but now....all hope has finally fade.....you left me out with suicidal memories.....i once upon time did fall in love....now amd really falling apart...all this quotes for you i say to myself.....guess this blog....everythin its all gone to waste.....
This song i wrote it for you just minutes before new years day.....even when you were att to ur x....i still loved u still.....i was a idiot.....fuck this blog....fuck life...fuck everything....everythin is lost.....guess life for me is a lost way...i have no path!! i have no way!!!.....its all me.....i have nth.....but i still miss you.....I REALLY MISSS YOU!!

I miss staying up late and hearing your voice,
I just love the way talk and make noise

I mis the time you wear tearing,
I stopped everything to make sure you were smiling

I miss when you tried to make me jealous,
When i got mad and apologised first

I miss going to the movies with you and not watching,
Just wanting each other there was the main thing

I miss the times walking you home,
Having great times of our own

I miss the times holding you in my hands,
Promising I will never let you go till the end

I miss the times when you hurt me so,
Still making you laugh and never letting you know

I miss the time you said we would be together
But now happiness and love gone FOREVER!!!

I will still tell you....i loved you more than any of my x's....you were really the one and only for me......guess no one should ever hope too much...cause in the end...all their dreams and hopes fades into time.....I HATE THIS BLOG!! I HATE MY LIFE!!! I DONT NEED A LIFE ANYMORE!!!

BLOODY RIVER

2008-04-27T21:07:00.002+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIL!!!....gil is finally a teenager....woopp...haha anw...today was real fun....studied alot today sia...dam nerdy....haha anw finally finished my next song.......11 days....still thinkin of u......i dun want u back....but well u get in my head always!!!!just get out of my head.....i know theres someone better.....but u keep making me blind!!!STOP IT AND GET OUT!!!....u dun own my life anymre....i have to control it...i m goin to......i still living in the bloody river.....and thats what the song is about....STAYING INSIDE THE BLOODY RIVER!!!

Dark red bloody river,
slowly streaming down my arm.
Each drop having a meaning,
of sadness and self-inflicting harm.
Nobody knows or even wants to understand,
the battle I fight everyday.
I only get constant judgment,
which leads my heart to feel anger and hate.
My friends just think im crazy,
and dont want to take the time to see.
All the trauma, pain, and fear,
going on inside of me.
Nobody will ever get it,
as I keep living this lifestyle.
It can continue for weeks, months, or even years.
I have nobody that will listen,
and nobody to dry my tears.
The blood I see is my only comfort,
as I have lost many friends due to this obsession.
It hurts to see them go,
but they cant handle this situation.
I will live on scarring my body,
as in life im not even considered.
Keep on living this life alone,
in the midst of the bloody river.

GILL"S BDAE!!!!

2008-04-25T23:57:00.002+08:00

Hello....today was super fun la...we celebrate gillian birthday!!!....haha we blindfolded her and told her it was an activity then...SUPRISE!!.....i made her scared:-).....haha it was super fun....we had alot of pizzas and pie...im soooo full now.......anyway i suprised her with my birthday gift which she thought i forgot....pls ah gil...u wrote it in my calendar......!!!....haha anywayi hope she liked my present...i bought her a piggy bear....a pink one....a toy rose.....and 2 botlles of gummy bears.....haha she kept on saying thanks la.....haha so sweet of her.....than we talk alot of crap......haha but her birthday is on this coming sunday...shes turning 13!!!....wah nt bad..shes grown up....:).....anyways hope she enjoys her birthday on sun.....

2008-04-25T18:10:00.003+08:00

WALAO!!!today was the funniest day...besides the fact i gona screwed up my spa.....anw i met diana at vivo to goy buy gil's bdae gift.....we went to so many shops and in the end went to TOYS R US.....then diana was like huggin all the toys dwn there...weird girl.....anw found a pig bear...so weird....bt funny....than after tat go candy empire to go buy gil fav gummy bears....the funniest thig happen!!i paid for the thing and was like walkin out without takin the sweet!!!....and then this american women wif her kid was like"BOY!...forgot your sweetie!....and i was like...is she tokin to me....and then oni i realised!! i so gong!!!PAISAE!!!diana was like laughin n laughin until she drop dead...haha nt literally....anw then we went to long john to eat...of cause i had to treat...than we talk alot of bullshit and then i send her back home......am so tired now and later must celebrate gil birthday...how to hide gift.....well....today the whole day didnt think of her.....guess shes slowing fadin away......i hope not.....my whole english compo was about her.....im going to fail for sure.....

I need your love.....

Like the desert needs the rain.....

Many days and many nights

Many heartbreaks... many fights

Many wrongs but so many rights

So girl don't let this love die

Letter of suicide

2008-04-24T15:02:00.004+08:00

Well...today sucked...had my mt paper

it was killer...dam wish i dont fail...

O ya today also jeremy and kasturi 7 mth

anni....haha wish them all the best and a hapy life...

o lvl cmin...dam stress!!!....and well...

still writing poems and songs.....

serves me like a past time you noe...

o yea ppl can u pls tag ....its so empty leh...

well here goes another....its called letter to the dead

Laying on the floor, crying over you.

What did I do to deserve to be treated like this?

Did I say the wrong thing, or touch you the wrong way?

But I will never know because next to me is a gun.

A gun with only one bullet; a gun to take my out of this horrible confusing world.

This world is not a place for me to be.

I don’t think that I can take anymore heartbreak.

I fall in love with you and then you walk away without a kind word.

I roll over onto my stomach, clutching the gun with one hand;

in the other is a picture of you.

I place the picture of you over my heart and then the gun on top of that.

I slowly pull the trigger; I feel the bullet pierce my heart.

But than nothing; no more pain, or heartbreak, or whatever else you can throw at me. You walk in the door to find me, but it’s too late.

There I am, lying on my floor bleeding for you, again; only this time it will be my last.

Damn.....wish i could just shoot myself dead....whats wrong with me...

Am i crazy waiting for you....what i had for you was real love....

I loved you more than anyone....you knew it....but yet....fate always has

a bad thing of stabbing you in the back.....exam stress.....headache...and you

keep entering my mind........well....shit happens and life goes on....

but yet...the thought of you still reamins...i really missin u more than i used to

Cause every tear that flows falls into the ocean

And rises to the sky

And then the rain will come

Right before the sun shines...

Hope just begins to fade

2008-04-23T20:30:00.001+08:00

Well.....its been a week already
damn why does love have to hurt so much
Trying to find happiness somwhere out there
Hopefully i do....

You think any guy could care for you
and love you like how i did....
The days where short but yet when you
left me you took my whole life with you..

I made the world believe that I am happy, Strong,
A fighter, and A Survivor. But how long
will I have to act like a perfect person..
If deep inside, I am totally broken.

I wish for one moment in my life,
Gravity never learned to pull water from my eyes,
So atleast for just one moment when I'm in great pain,
I wouldn't need to cry.

The flower is dead

2008-04-23T16:59:00.000+08:00

Hey.....first made a blog with diana's help and well this is my first post.....so many things happen this year....alot of things chnged ...but just 1 remains.....i still miss her.....i duno whats wrong with me.......those words she said i just cant forget!!!....I REGRETTED LOVING YOU!!!!....Those words are like a million shards piercin through my heart...i still have that msg......i just cant to anythin anymore......you were the only wan i needed and now u r also gone.....u said those words after you told me no who ever loved u like i did....u promised me wld stay wif me forever.....ur the only one whose wordz i really did trust.....but yet....u proven urself to be like the rest.....those were just plain words....well.....for about six days ago i thought aabout you alot....just letting the pain go....and well wrote out everythin my heart felt like saying.....and well its time i let the whole world see.....what the hell is going through my mind for now.....this here is called the dead flower.....

my finger on the trigger
the way she hit the floor
the blood getting thicker
the bullets from your drawer
words are disposable sounds
the edge on my razor sharper than you
gone through all my rounds
the final follow through

her image lingers on the canvas
covered in my favorite coloured paint
our love like another crevasse
the rough sketch now too faint

a dead flower can no longer grow
no matter how long you water it
like the lead in her heart
theres only an end not a start

the echo of the screams
silenced by my memory
brain dead as it seems
only red as I can see
just another unbeliever
the voice without a face
just another deceiver
taken by deaths embrace

sorry I never told you how I feel
I never thought I ever mattered
a love without a scape-goat
when im bloody and battered

a dead flower can no longer grow
no matter how long you water it
like the lead in her heart
threes only an end not a start

take my finger to the trigger
pull and forget
take my finger to the trigger
pull and forget
take my finger to the trigger
last words have no meaning
when your sprawled across the floor
and the story just begins

her image lingers on the canvas
covered in my favorite colored paint
our love like another crevasse
the rough sketch now too faint

a dead flower can no longer grow
no matter how long you water it
like the lead in her heart
theres only an end not a start

Our love is now like a dead flower......no matter how much you water it...it will never grow...but yet.....the seed is with me....i just need u to show me the light.....for that seed to grow into that beautiful flower once called love.....

Now that i have lost you

It kills me to say

I tried to hold on

As you slowly slipped away

I'm losing the fight

I treated you so wrong

Now let me make it alright

I find it hard to not trust only me

But everyone around me

Because of you